Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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