I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
