Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
