Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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