everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
