Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
