I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize