I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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