i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
