I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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