i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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