She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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