just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
