She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
