my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
