So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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