I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So. Much. Porn.
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