i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My ATM looks so different sober.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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