she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
