Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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