Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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