Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
