Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize