I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
