I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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