apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
do herpes really smell.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
