So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
