sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize