My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
