I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
