You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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