wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
