Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
