I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
