I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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