Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
