she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
