I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
