How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
