I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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