Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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