I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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