To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
