Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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