The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
