I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i can't believe i had my finger in that
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
