Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
