I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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