then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
