I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
