I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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