My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
