He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
