I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
