Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He shit in the fireplace
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
