TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
