i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What drink are we having for lunch?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
